The assemblage of beautiful women again today has nearly brought me to tears.

It’s difficult to take in everything I have learned here, let alone everything I have felt here – it is…ineffable (even as I try here on this blog). The connection to these women, to the beauty of being a doula is not evanescent, and I continue to appreciate the fine balance that is taking place here.

Today we began with a little catch-up from yesterday’s lesson; during our lunch break we had the pleasure of watching an exquisite video on natural birth – more specifically, on water birthing. I have a propinquity that if more women had the wherewithal for a gentle birth experience, there would surely be an increase in births such as those represented in the video. This suggestion served to fortify my estimation from the previous class: a woman’s mental and psychic state during pregnancy has subsequent effects on the child (and her labor) and that if a woman is in harmony with her Self during pregnancy, and has placed the intent on having a gentle birth experience, she will be able to manifest those things.

We worked on positions today; helping women achieve comfort during labor by placing them in various positions. I enjoyed this exercise because becoming comfortable with other people’s bodies and being confident in your ability to help maneuver them is key to being an effective doula.

Class ended early with the onset of one of Jen’s clients going into labor. I had the ultimate pleasure of accompanying Jen in attendance to this birth, as an assistant. The exhilaration during the rush to get to the hospital was coupled with adrenaline, and had me questioning: could I be a “birthing junkie”?

We made it to the hospital in record time – only to find that as we were parking the car mom had delivered the baby. The exhilaration proved to be anything but ephemeral, as it is was all I could do in the delivery room to contain my excitement at being there. Speaking of being there…and just in time…I was able to witness the placenta birth. Fascinating, simply put. I was also pleased to find that there was still so much doula work to be done. Jen began to work her magic, and succeeded in bringing mom down from what seemed to have been a pretty charged experience. I saw her practice all the things she had taught us during our course – this first-hand experience served as testimonial that this stuff really works! There’s no refutation of that. And the beauty is that for each particular woman, there is an equally specific birth experience – each with its own ability for beauty, whatever that may look like.

There is plenty of room under the “better birth experience” umbrella for every woman to achieve her goals during childbirth – and I can’t wait to be a provider of such.

Namaste!

Today was a very full day. My usual ebullience was tempered with a bit of trepidation about this class once I learned that we would be having a psychologist come in to speak with us about prepartum and postpartum problems.  My concerns were focused on what I might personally bring to a birth situation – the stark reality of having lost my child came into full focus during this class.  Would my experience be an asset or a hindrance?  My trepidity was augmented by the emotions of the entire class as we began to discuss how to support a mother in the event of a still birth. I understand that there are aspects of this career that will test my strength and presence, as my strength and presence have already been tested during the course of this training.

There are many psychological/psychosomatic issues that may manifest themselves during pregnancy and we all had questions about what do to should a situation arise where mother or child is compromised; how do we use our skills as doulas to help a mother or a father in those situations and how do we protect ourselves during moments of exigency? The psychology of pregnancy, birth and motherhood may be an aggregate of past experiences, and understanding this will help us to better serve women on their journeys into motherhood.  I am struck by the notion that a woman’s mental and psychic state during pregnancy has subsequent effects on the child.  I would further intuit that if a woman is in harmony with her Self during pregnancy, and if there is a support network available and the intent is placed on having a gentle birth experience, she will be able to manifest those things and I can’t help but think that as a doula we will be able to help mothers and fathers with this manifestation.  I am fascinated by the incipient formation of our personalties, and by the notion that this occurs during gestation.  The science and psychology of birthing is amazing and beautiful to me!

I am pleased to note that I feel as though I am coming into a state of equanimity, imbued by the depth and power of the lessons taught in this course. Thank you Jen and Tracy, for the safe space to explore these details; this has been a powerful day for me, and I’ve come out of it with confidence and understanding, this is the cynosure for me.

I am excited to keep going, to keep testing myself and to keep learning about who I am and what I bring to each situation. And I am also very excited to help other women down a similar path.

This evening’s motif continued in harmony with the previous evenings: the awareness of the Self.  (At least this is the lesson for me.) This resonates with a larger message: helping woman understand themselves and the awesome power of their bodies to bring life into this world.  I am garnering so much more than childbirth education and methods for relaxation from this course. I am coming to understand how I engage with other people – other women.

Today we worked some more on suggestibility testing in order to explain and understand how people process.  I am enjoying learning how people processes – it serves to fortify how unique we all are. (and perhaps how similar?)  We worked on voice control as well, for as you can imagine, your voice and how you manage it is very important when working with women in labor.  One of the best ways to bring a client out of a stressful state is by using your voice to match their intensity and feeling, and then gradually bringing them with you as you soften and relax. I imagined how I used to talk with Addison when he was upset or had just woken up from a bad dream; I showed him that I was there for him in those moments by matching my breathing with his, by having his little eyes look into mine, and when he was with me, I softened and relaxed my voice and we slipped down from the stress, and back into sleep.  (I think that so much of what we’re talking about here in this course draws from the innate wisdom that rests in motherhood.)

One of my favorite things about this class is the story telling, in particular – Jen’s story telling.  Her tales of late nights, unexpected events, crazy nurses and beautiful babies really serve to inculcate the value and importance of what she does – of what we are training to do.   I really enjoy when the other women chime in with their own stories.  I have so much respect for the women in this class with me – they are all women of integrity, for whom I trust and appreciate, and the sharing of experiences has only served to unite us in our consolidated efforts to “change the world”.  And that’s really what we’re doing as doulas – changing the world, “one birth at a time”.
And that, is AWESOME!

Wednesday was our “day off”, though I didn’t approach it as such. How could I? As if imagining my future as a doula didn’t keep me busy enough, we have all been assigned “clients” for whom each has a particular issue with their pregnancy. Researching my client Kayla’s gestational diabetes, I am drawn by compassion to women who have “eventful” pregnancies. My pregnancy with Addison was uneventful – easy even, and I realize how lucky I was for that… and perhaps it made his difficult birth a little more manageable, if only for the strength and power I was able to bring in (even if I didn’t maintain it throughout). This begs the question for me… is it more important for women with “high risk” pregnancies to have a doula? Now, this is not to suggest that women such as myself, with low risk pregnancies wouldn’t benefit from having a doula – clearly that is not the case, as my birth experience with Addison can attest.

What keeps coming up for me in class, is how a woman’s emotional and mental state during labor and delivery can shift so quickly.

I’ll use myself as an example:

My water broke on the way to the hospital. When I arrived and admitted I was given a vaginal exam – 9 cm…almost there. Things were progressing normally for me. I managed through more contractions until I felt the sudden urge to push. Another exam showed 10cm. I believe I was allowed to push at 10 cm. This pushing yielded no results for me. I became weary and frustrated that nothing I was doing was working. I would push and Addison would come out a little and then he would slip back in; this is something Tracy talked about. I am now able to recognize that it was at that moment when my fear-tension-pain cycle came into the picture. A doula would have helped me and my partner to maintain presence and strength in that moment. Strength and presence at that moment would have prevented my fear-tension-pain cycle from kicking into hyper-drive as the nurses told me they would have to vacuum Addison out…
So, again, the question is asked: is it more important for women with “high risk” pregnancies to have a doula? I don’t think so. If anything, it is my opinion that women with “low risk” pregnancies need to have doulas. A woman such as my “client” Kayla, with gestational diabetes, may already be more informed about her options during labor (out of concern for the baby/health/safety) than a women going into labor “expecting” based on her uneventful pregnancy that things will go smoothly…and when they don’t, what does she do?

Needless to say, I am very excited to take my own personal experience as a mother and combine it with the amazing training from this Dolphin Method doula course.

We talked a lot today about hypnosis, spending much of our time working with Jen on methods for relaxing our clients (and ourselves). What I wouldn’t have done to have these techniques at my disposal when I was in labor! I am drawn to the observant nature of hypnosis, and I believe that level of awareness with a client just makes you that much more effective as a doula. (I will definitely be pursuing some training in hypnotherapy.) Another beautiful moment for me in class was as we were practicing some relaxation/hypnosis techniques: the awareness of my Self. So much of my process is very deeply programmed and like others, may keep me from being fully aware, fully present. The breathing exercises we practiced brought me down into a place that I don’t travel very often – I suppose that is because I am afraid. There was a safety in the class room, a comfort at being with all these other women each with their own process, for which mine was just another. I began to feel stronger – as if I had taken a step toward something that had scared me, and realized that I am capable of handling it. I believe that so much of our place as doulas will come from an awareness and comfort with the Self. For how else can we empower women during labor, if we are not empowered ourselves? Jen and Tracy call it confidence, and they are both brimming with it!

My long drive home at night usually has me singing at the top of my lungs, albeit off-key (I take comfort in the fact that no one can hear me). This night however, I found myself driving in the quiet, paying close attention to my mind chatter, perhaps to better understand it. My mind chatters visually I realized, and kinesthetically as well. Pictures flow on a constant stream, the rocks in the river bed creating ripples and splashes that represent themselves as feelings. Once I found myself feeling anxious or impatient, I practiced some of the things we had done in class…and I noticed the mind chatter slowing, my breath relaxed and my heart rate calmed…and I said out loud, Wow – this really does work!

I arrived home around midnight, to my love waiting silently for me. I slipped into bed, mentally prepared to answer the phone for my client – Kayla. Once again, the mind chatter raced – I felt anxious, preoccupied, AWAKE…and so I became aware of my breathing, I focused on my sensations and pretty soon…I was asleep. I’m so thrilled to have found a practice for myself that will actually help me – and I am very excited to be able to share with my clients the beauty of being aware of one’s Self, and the power at being able to help yourself.

I am so honored to be part of this amazing group of women – I feel like this is as much a celebration of women, as it is a doula training course.
Thank you so much!
Until next time… Namaste.

Tonight was a success, if only because E. ( names removed to protect the awesome) succumbed to hypnotherapy.

This evening we started Hypnosis 101, designed to give all of us Doula wannabes some tools in the form of relaxation techniques. I also feel like tonight was the night I started to get to know the girls a little better.

E., the mama bear of our group, who has truly seen it all, had confided in me on Day One that she was not a believer. She had tried, and failed in the past to use hypnotherapy with any result for herself but obviously understood it can work for others. She’s the boss at an extremely high- pressure night shift job. Life or death decisions fall into her lap repeatedly. She must always be in control, and help others to maintain theirs. Taking this class when she would be sleeping, we’ll give her the (big, fat) benefit of the doubt that Jennifer only got her because she’s so tired.
She definitely got me.

I have to admit, now, that my own experience of hypnosis was much more different than I thought it would be. There were no pendulums swinging. I was not told to loooook deeeep into anyone’s eeeyeeeeesss…..

It was simple, yet powerful. There was a brief moment, under the power of suggestion, that I was not able to move my hands apart. Later, I was absolutely flooded with a mouthful of lemon juice. Our maestro made it seem so flowy, effortless. When we broke into pairs to try it ourselves, I found my concentration was broken easily, and it would take hard work and lots of practice to make it sound like she did!

My partner was T., who quickly put me at ease and was very brave for going first. She and M., who was kind enough to try and explain to me the phenomenon that is “Twitter”, make a huge commute to be here every night, and are probably still driving home as I write this, snug under my blanket. L., who sits next to me, is a canny lassie who may have come from Vulcan. She used Jennifer as her Doula when she gave birth to her son a few years ago, and is still high on the experience. It’s wonderful to reflect that her birth was such a satisfying moment in her life that she’s still celebrating it by becoming an agent of birth herself! A. is my kind of girl. She arrived wearing a shirt that proclaimed “Reading Is Sexy”, and when asked to visualize what the fridge in her kitchen might contain she replied “Beer.” As fun and interesting as this course and all it entails is, I have a feeling that all the girls are making some sort of sacrifice to spend the time learning from Tracy and Jennifer. Be it lost sleep, long drives, or time away from those who need us, we’ve all paid our fees knowing that what we will get out of this will be priceless. If the old saying is true, and reputation comes from the company you keep, I’m all smiles.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life!
With a break on Wednesday, I was planning on finishing the assigned reading. I was still riding the energy high of participating in the course and learning new things. At the close of class on Tuesday, Jennifer informed us that as part of our exam, she would be calling each of us (pretending to be a client) in the middle of the night to see how lucid we could be. She hinted that there would be questions asked based on the material we had learned that evening.

This did not make for the deepest sleep I’ve ever had.

The call did not come Tuesday night, however, and on Wednesday night I went to band practice. Thinking nothing of it, I had a few beers with my band mates. When I got home, quite late, I uncharacteristically checked my email. I can only thank my lucky stars that I did, for an unexpected assignment lay in wait for me!

Tracy assigned each of us a “client” who had certain factors weighing on her pregnancy that we would be expected to research and present to the class tonight. I tell you, after caring for my three kids all day and then giving my all at practice, staying up late to do research wasn’t what my body wanted to do!

Resisting the siren call of my big fluffy pillow, (knowing my kids would never give me the chance the next day) I spent an hour reading and absorbing all the different causes and treatments for pre-eclampsia. There are so many contradictory findings to be pored over and dissected. I found that midwives, and doulas, had excellent methods for bringing down blood pressure, some as innovative as simply removing one’s bra! (As a large -busted woman I thought this was ingenious.) The simple theory behind this act being that when the upper body relaxes, so follows the rest of the body, with blood pressure following suit. There are many other, much more obvious remedies, but that particular one struck a chord with me and happened to be my favorite, which is why I share it here now.

Finally, exhausted, I was able to crawl into my bed and succumb to beautiful sleep. I was just entering that place between consciousness and dreamland when I remembered: THE PHONE! This could be the night of my call from Jennifer! Feeling absolutely UN- lucid after my two beers, I scrambled around trying to find my cell, which of course, was about to die. I spent five minutes locating my charger and had no sooner plugged it in when my baby woke up.

Frustrated, swaying in the dark with my wee’un over my heart, I couldn’t help but lament that if I hadn’t had the two beers, I probably would have had a much easier time of all this. I woke several times in the night, convinced I was hearing Jennifer’s call.

It’s day two, and I’m already realizing that a lifestyle change will be part of accepting this role I’ve chosen to take. You know what else I’ve realized? That it’s totally worth it.

This evening was one of the most powerful, amazing moments of my life. If ever I felt, viscerally, that I was called to do something, this is it. I could barely contain my excitement or my imagination, which were reeling with the myriad possibilities for my future.

I feel such an intense connection to the women in the class. There’s a sort of sacred femininity I feel is expressed within this group. Here we are, sharing our stories of birth – of LIFE, and we all have a common goal: to help make this experience as gentle, and beautiful as possible. I enjoyed hearing the others speak of their own personal birth experiences, and I found myself regaling at my own fortune at being a mother.
The range of experience as mothers, holistic practitioners, and women has me excited to learn from not only Jen and Tracy, but from my classmates as well.

What an opportunity! Jen and Tracy are both so knowledgeable and comfortable, that I can’t help but feel confident about this training course and the ability we will all have once completed, to be successful doulas. The environment is comfortable, safe and kind. Questions are answered openly, with enthusiasm and expertise, and I found myself so eager to learn, that I was surprised when I realized it was time to go home for the evening.

The safety of this group of women – of peers – was such that I felt comfortable sharing (if only the fact) that my own child has very recently passed away.

My experience as his mother was very short (he was only 5), and yet so powerful, that I feel compelled to join other women on their journeys into motherhood. I want to help them transition into the place of strength, of power, of ultimate love… all the things that are MOTHER. I know what it feels like to be those things for someone else. I also know what it feels like to lose your child. And the strength that has come from that experience allows my heart to open even more, to guide and shepherd women through childbirth with the peace in knowing that they are doing the single most amazing and important thing in the universe: bringing in LIFE.

I want women to know what they are capable of – and if I can serve as an example, that is one of the myriad gifts that my son, Addison, has helped to give the world.

Thank you Jen and Tracy for an amazing first day. I am honored to be part of this sacred community, and I am so excited to continue this process!

Today is the first day of the rest of my life!

I feel like everything that’s happened in the last five years has been leading to today. It was so exciting to be in the company of such amazing, forward thinking (or should I say backward thinking?) women, all committed or making the commitment to ease the suffering of others and making the transition into motherhood as peaceful as possible. I, like most mothers, can talk about birth all day. It was hard not to spill out every visceral experience I’ve had during my births, to share my battle scars and triumphs in a room full of people dedicated to the cause. I enjoyed immensely listening to Jennifer and Tracy speaking about the myriad births they have attended, respectively. It really does hammer home the old adage that no two births are ever alike. It is intimidating, on the night after the first class, to envision how i might handle all the situations they described. I feel confident, though, that under the tutelage of these two very different but impressive women, I’ll come through this course with the skills I’ll need to guide my future clients through the biggest day (or night ) of their lives.

I have great hopes for the rest of the week, and am looking forward to Thursday’s class.

An end note~

At the beginning of the class we were all asked to introduce ourselves and share a bit about what brought us there. I found myself unable to stop thinking about the last gal to contribute her name and story. She very quietly, without going into detail, admitted that her son had passed away. This woman appeared younger than myself, so I assume that her child was very young indeed when he passed. As a mother, my heart wrenched for her, as the mere thought of such an event makes my stomach turn and my blood cold. However, what moved me about her admission was that she made it there, in that room, coping with her grief by making a promise to help others endure the BIRTH of their children. Such strength in the face of staggering, crippling loss is more than inspiring. It is beyond bravery as I know it to be defined. It is miraculous, and wherever he is, that child must certainly be very, very proud of his mama.